Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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