I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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