Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
