i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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