do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
