I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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