I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
