waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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