So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
