A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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