Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
