The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
