john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
