When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
