I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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