Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
