i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
