Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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