Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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