apparently the secret to your success is patron
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
