somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
