You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
