Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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