So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
