can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
