Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
