If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
