Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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