I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
