He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
