Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
