just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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