All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
