My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
