Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
