How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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