my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
