I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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