so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
