apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
