kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
