Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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