Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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