He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
