I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
