I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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