i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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