The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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