i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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