Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
