He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
