I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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