You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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