If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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