WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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